A podcast!

 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/femme-cyclist-podcast/id1496697210

Super excited and nervous for this to be sent out to the world... And the Femme Cyclist had a call for stories to be submitted to their podcast, so here is mine! 

The Power of a Scholarship

4 months from now, I’ll be racing at The RAD Dirt Fest in Trinidad, Colorado. I’d say all because of a scholarship, but the scholarship comes after the first part. 

You have to apply. 

Applying to a scholarship is a unique mix of believing in yourself and being okay with asking for help to get there. 

I could have figured out how to pay the race fee, and the travel costs, and probably thought about it a really long time. But I wasn’t confident about it. I was hesitant. 

And then I won the scholarship. 

It felt like a boost of somebody pushing me up a hill. To have somebody else, this mysterious selection committee on my team. A boost of confidence in me - I belong on that start line next to very, very qualified, competitors. 

I didn’t apply to many scholarships in high school. I really struggled with that first part of feeling worthy of entering. Now that I’m a little more well-versed in cognitive behavioral therapeutic techniques, I know if I had examined those thoughts about feeling worthy, they were not actually backed up by any tangible evidence. I had to ask a science teacher for a letter of recommendation to participate in a summer internship program my junior year of high school. I didn’t even think the teacher knew my name, let alone which class I was in. I was wrong, he wrote me a lovely letter, and I had a great experience interning with the San Diego Zoo. (As a result of this experience, I try really hard to learn all of my students’ names and use them frequently. There are mnemonic devices and memory techniques that can help anyone learn names well. #psychterm)  That first experience of asking for a letter of recommendation, asking somebody to write on paper all these things that they think about you and your abilities, was terrifying to me as a sixteen year old. But I’m so glad I asked. 

It’s graduation day, and one thing I’d like to tell my seniors that completed high school is that scholarship season isn’t over. There’s going to be more chances for you to earn an opportunity. Some scholarships are formal, others may be more of a subtle invitation. Sometimes you’re in the right place at the right time, or in my case, following the right Instagram account or Facebook group. That’s networking skills at work. Scholarship organizers really, really want you to apply to their awards, but you’ve got to actively do some searching to make those connections. I don’t know if any students took up the offer of Outdoor Outreach’s bicycle program, or a summer job working with pack mules in the Sierras, but I advertised those to my classes this year, if students were checking their messages. 

Scholarships often don’t cover the whole bit. There’s still a lot of costs that are going to be involved with racing. 

I turned down a pretty decent scholarship package to a college that was much farther away from home because of all of the added costs of travel and the logistics of just getting there. I had to take a number of busses and the trolley through downtown San Diego to get to and from my internship at the zoo that summer. I didn’t realize how differently I lived compared to some of the other students from other parts of the county. There’s been a lot written about the challenges of college scholarship recipients experiencing a socio-economic culture shock. Again, I’m not here to write extensively on that research, but I’ve experienced a taste of it as a teenager, a bit as a young adult, and I’m still thinking about what it means to come from a background like mine with a future in participating in racing events. (Future post for sure.)

 Tangent, about 3 years ago, I thought about getting into running with the ultimate goal of qualifying for the Boston Marathon. Then I found out the average participant spends about $5,000 to run the Boston Marathon- that’s the airfare, hotel, race fee around the event, not working with a coach, running shoes, racing qualifying events, etc. I found that to be really disheartening, and didn’t really work on my running skills. 

So, I think about money a lot as it relates to recreation, but also money as a gift. People can give you money, or things of monetary value, really quite easily. This is a phenomenal concept. 

You cannot be gifted health and wellness in the same way. 

I’m thankful for the scholarship to the Rad Fest, so that I can put in some work on my own personal health and wellness so that I can be a better mom to my kids, and feel better as I’m looking at my 40s next year. 

Thanks for reading, plenty of more thoughts to come, if you’d like to drop an emoji in the comments to let me know you’re out there, I’d appreciate it, but after a year of online teaching, I’m also mostly okay with sending my thoughts out into the void. :)

Empathy for the First Time AP Student

 (Yep, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. But that’s for another time. I have some pressing thoughts to share.) 

On my most recent rides, I’ve been thinking about *that* kid in my AP Psychology class. 

That kid who looks around on the first day, and doesn’t know many people. There’s some groups of people who have known each other for awhile, and this kid kind of stands out as not being quite sure where they fit in yet. 

This kid probably has never taken an AP class before, but they signed up for this one, as a challenge. One AP class as a stretch goal, dipping a toe in the water of a higher academic challenge. 

There’s plenty of kids who turn down my invites to join my AP course. “Nah, Miss, it’s too much work.” “I just want to have fun this year.” “I could do AP… but I don’t think I want to do that extra reading.” 

I’ve been feeling a lot of empathy for the student who chose to take an AP class for the first time. 

When you’re surrounded by classmates who sound like they know what they’re talking about, and you’re totally in over your head, mentally making a note of what to look up when you get home. On my last ride, hearing gear nerds talking about their gear ratios and cassette sizes, I’m staying quiet, and hoping nobody quizzes me on what my bike has, like that kid has the look that they hope the teacher doesn’t call on them. I can appreciate learning about this, and I’m excited to be able to participate in this discussion, but it feels overwhelming right now because I’m just trying to learn the terrain. 

I’ve signed up for some epic gravel events and I’m really not sure if I belong there yet. The distance feels daunting, and I’ve had all the thoughts about this. Did I take somebody else’s space? Somebody who would do better? Why am I putting myself in a position where I’m going to struggle, a lot? 

I know the end result will be really rewarding. I’m going to feel really amazing for challenging myself. I’m going to be an athlete, competing in a gravel races, in some incredibly remote, mountainous terrain this fall. 

Right now, I’m a novice in the dirt, doing a lot of homework, practicing, practicing, and practicing my skills. I’m comparing myself to the advanced group that has a lot more experience and a lot more confidence, but I’m fighting those feelings about belonging. I absolutely belong at the start line, just like that kid absolutely deserves that seat in the class. We’re willing to put in the work to make it happen, even when it feels uncomfortable at first. 

I’m thankful for the kind people who invited me to join them, both online and in group rides, and really excited to learn from their expertise. Like the kid joining the first AP class, surrounding yourself by people who are going to be just above your level, in this zone of proximal development (tossing out a term from Lev Vyzotzky for any of my students who have read this far!) is one of the best ways to grow. 

More AP/bicycle connections to come…

Day... ??? Happens every time

It's not just me, everyone has fallen behind on their log books. Mom had to backfill some days, Eryn lost interest in her journal. It's not that there isn't anything to write about, quite the opposite, maybe the riding feels so routine that logging the happenings of the day is no different than keeping records of what you ate for dinner every day, even if you went out and tried new restaurants all the time (which is something else we're doing)
The past few days:
Highlights:
- tunnels are always fun. Short ones, long ones, lighted, dark, even road underpasses.
One of the tunnels (I have to look up the name) is about 950 ft long, straight, so there is a clear shot of the end. I'm thinking it's short enough to forgo my light, just ride straight. There's no electric lights, and the walls are solid, so light isn't reflected off anything  (unlike one further that was lined in corrugated metal). So, at the midpoint, there is a sensation of pedalling and going nowhere, because the light at the end doesn't appear to be getting any closer. Its probably the closest to a natural sensory deprivation chamber I'm going to get.
- the train museum in Confluence (?) The kids could have spent a lot more time playing there.
- marmots, aka woodchucks, aka groundhogs! They're adorable.
- lots of fawns with their mommas.
- water is running everywhere on the rocks. I imagine a lot of these dry up for the fall, but the leaves changing colors must be a fair trade off. Considering our local waterfalls require a 4 hour hike for their 1 month season in an unshaded trail, the kids are stopping at every one for a picture.
- the kids' creativity. The mud puddles have dried, so for awhile hitting the dappled light "sun puddles" on the trail earned "points". Yesterday they were train engines, stopping to refill on coal every 5 miles, water for steam power, and they turned every nut on the handlebars into some sort of button that beeped and booped.
Challenges:
- despite having the trail guide book and the Facebook resources, there's just a lot you don't know until you get here, which for some people, that's the appeal of a fully planned, supported tour group, for us, we see it as some of the adventure and take it for what it is. If we had a kid with a severe dietary allergy, etc, I guess I'd be more adept at planning food, but I'd probably have to carry a week's worth of groceries, because we are not close to major stores and there isn't always a restaurant selection.
- it's really hard to buy wine that isn't sweet around here on the trail.
- I'm running out of songs and games. 20 questions is still popular. There is plenty to do when we're stopped, but its occupying bike time to keep the kids engaged.
Recommendations:
- I would have liked to spend a little more time in Ohiopyle, despite being full of tourists, but avoiding the weekend. We will have to try some river boating of some sort closer to home in the future.
- The GAP is still much better of a surface than the C&O, so for a short first tour, take Amtrak to Cumberland, ride to Pittsburgh, go back to Cumberland and ride down to DC, or just do the GAP in a week with an extra day or even two to play around.
- Go to Fallingwater. That gets it's own post.
- I want a bike that fits the kids (frame size) that has components that match their ability. I don't know what that is or if it's out there.

Day 9: Cumberland to Frostburg, MD: adding texture to the landscape

Keeping this one short because we're eating breakfast at The Princess  Restaurant in Frostburg.
Yesterday was uphill the entire day. There are plenty of opinions on the internet about which direction to do the trail. The best argument for uphill is that it's more scenic. When you're going down, you enjoy the speed and don't stop as much to really look around. The kids had a lot of stopping yesterday- in the first two hours, we rode an hour and stopped for a total an hour, looking at tiny frogs, eating blackberries, taking pictures of new flowers. One reason I thought it was important to take the kids is to see the ride through new eyes.
Second argument for this way, is with Bryan, up is safer than down. He isn't reckless, but he does get his attention diverted easily.
Within Frostburg, the town has some steep climbs. There's a beautiful switchback built into the hillside with a few sculptures to help get into town, but that's the only assistance. At the end of this long day, the children found new energy to challenge each other to ride as much as they could to the top and safely descended to the next hill.
Bryan had so much fun he wanted to ride his bike to the dinner restaurant, so we let him. It's amazing to see how he can work his little 16" Specialized Hotrock, a single gear, back-pedal brake, weighs a ton in proportion to him. This is a bike that is typically sold with training wheels, and he's taken it 200 miles in less than 2 weeks.
Eryn packed her derailleur with mud, so she's stuck in one gear on her Scott Slice Jr.,and crushing the hills. She has the ability to slow for Bryan and pick up speed again, or hop off on the steepest part, find a small driveway to jump back on.
Mike and I felt like we were back in old territory, and some of that muscle memory (and gear selection) kicked in.
Mom was challenged more than she let on, and I was reminded of so many hills I walked my first trip. There's a steep one in Bonita that I had to walk, 4 miles into a 3,000 mile journey that I thought I had trained for, and I couldn't ride it. I didn't even have my bags on the bike. Later that day in Alpine, I needed to walk quite a few more. But the skill came over time. It's not something I can really explain steps to hillclimb better, it's an experience lesson. Eryn gave me tips of zigzagging makes a hill easier, and I'm thrilled she is aware of these little techniques, and we turn that into some physics lessons.

Day 8: Pawpaw to Cumberland

An amazing day in so many ways. Nobody fell in the mud, but plenty of close calls. The rain didn't last, and moved on very quickly. We had a lunch stop at the Schoolhouse Kitchen (ok, that wasn't amazing food, but, we didn't have PB&J). The Airbnb in Cumberland is a supercool house with kids toys. And most of all, Eryn had the best day ever. Something clicked, and she committed to finishing strong. She's encouraging Bryan along. She understands the game plan, even if she's not the biggest fan of some of the decisions at the moment.
We towed the kids after lunch to ensure we didn't get caught in the thunderstorm, and that really helped them get through the cake-batter mud. I towed Bryan and Mike towed Eryn. While Bryan and I came up with "99 turtles sitting on a log/99 turtles on a log/one went in/for a nice swim/98 turtles sitting on a log", Eryn sang baby shark about 5 times.
We worked out a nice system of "telephone" yelling back directions of avoiding the worst mud- going left, right, through, etc. I'd tell Bryan, who told Mike, who told Eryn, who told mom.
And then we reached Cumberland. And finished the C&O. And the views of town were pretty spectacular.
At the end of the 30 mile day, it felt pretty quick.
Highlights:
- the playground in Oldtown was pretty cool.
- getting a lot better about riding in mud.
- kids inventing new games every day- instead of the alphabet game, they use colors.
- the repaired tow bungee are still working well, and they're quite popular with the other riders.
- the airbnb!
Challenges:
 - told the kids no ice cream with lunch because we'd get it at the end, then decided they should have ice cream after dinner because it was already 5:30 when we were done with the bike shop, found a closer Mexican place, and after dinner, ice cream would have been a mile walk round trip. So, kids get double ice cream today.
- the mud could have been worse, but it was a challenge for sure.
- ugh, mosquitoes.
Recommendations:
- so glad I got the kids some sport shirts in quick dry fabric. I bought Bryan 3 neon orange shirts; dressing him in the same color every day helps. Eryn  has 2 neon pink, and one blue shirts.

Day 7: Hancock to Pawpaw

This was our longest day by the miles, 32, but still ended up in town at a reasonable time, about 4:30. The concept of time going by is kind of difficult to get the children to understand. The idea of "less breaks now equals longer break at the end of the day" isn't motivating when you're just always in the present. "But this bench is really comfortable, can't I just take a nap?" Maybe in a place that didn't have afternoon thunderstorms looming and mosquitoes. If we had camp gear and let the kids pick the spots, we would probably only get 10 miles done a day, because they would play in the grass and be fine with peanut butter and jelly for every meal. Grownups have a bit higher expectation of a bed, a convenience store with wine, and some sort of hot meal, even if that ended up being the grill inside the gas station in Pawpaw.
Bryan amazes me every day with his energy and improving skills. He invented "flying" on his bike, flapping his legs on a flat part, just to do something new. He rode most of the milage yesterday on his own at a good speed. "20 questions" was the entertainment for the day- although he still struggles with the concept  that animal is a bigger category than reptile. He has pretty much always been in good spirits, and has so much patience and love for Eryn.
Eryn  amazes me with her ability to delay and outthink the adults at every opportunity. "We need to stop, my feet are slipping off the pedals"- so we tie some elastic cord around the pedals. "We need stop, I can't open my chapstick/there's dirt in my eye/my back is itchy/there's a rock in my shoe/I'm cold, I need my jacket/I'm too hot, I need to take it off" She can do the pedalling, and its gotten better, but she's tough in a lot of ways.
Highlights:
- staying with Dan at his bikepath bed and breakfast! Dan is an absolute delight, he met us about 15 miles out to ride with us, and we really enjoyed his company, local knowledge, and hospitality. And clean laundry at his place.
- the Pawpaw tunnel was epic. The engineering of this part of the canal and the history of how it was built by hand is fascinating.
- the geography leading up to the tunnel was pretty cool too.
- the 22 or so miles of the Western Maryland Rail Trail was a lovely break from the C&O, smooth pavement!
Challenges:
 - finding time to write blog posts
- of course the lunch and dinner restaurants we had planned are closed on Tuesdays.
- the mud hasn't been a significant challenge yet. Maybe for Mike, he has the skinniest tires.
- the towwhee broke, Mike fixed it enough.
Recommendations:
- maybe I should have brought one more set of clothes for the kids; Bryan wore his swim trunks to dinner, Eryn got a t shirt at the bike shop that she wore during laundry day.